


Blond And Dangerous

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 19:34:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what best friends do. Honestly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Thomas Joseph Ratliff is a pretty decent name, considering his mother wanted to name him after Elvis. It was difficult enough to survive high school as it was. Fortunately, no one let her. 

But his name is just one piece of the puzzle he likes to call Tommy Joe. For example, he has a very complicated relationship with the sun. As a Californian guy he should probably enjoy sun shine a bit more, but really, it just makes him red. It's not pretty. Also, the sun and his inner clock have completely different ideas of time. When he gets up the sun is on its way down. When he's ready to get some shut-eye the sun is climbing up, up, up. 

This means he wasn't a very good student, and he sucked as an office worker. Both live by the rules of normal-time-people. The whole world lives by their rules.

But now, he's the master of his own time.

Tommy Joe is also a curious little cat - sometimes to the point of being disastrous. He can't stop. Ever. If someone gives him an idea he has to play with it, has to poke at it, no matter what the consequences. What else? He's a movie junkie, a former punk rocker, and a current glam bitch with a very famous tongue. And he likes to use that tongue for voicing his opinions, just because. 

That's him in a nutshell. Right now anyway.

But none of that really matters because he's mostly just easy, and not in a slutty way - although he doesn't hold back if someone wants to get down and dirty with him - but in that "Oh, life has things to offer" -kind of way. He sees what happens. Anything can, apparently. Good. Bad. Gorgeous. So he lets things happen, and he sees and feels and listens to things, and that's it. No regrets. 

He likes the fact that nobody seems to understand this about him. They all fret over him sometimes, especially Adam. At first, he thought that Tommy needs guidance and protection and room to come to terms with things. Tommy had to build a model to Adam and show him that he can take care of himself. Adam didn't really understand the matchstick metaphor, but Tommy at least tried. 

Being easy also means he doesn't need much. There's always something that keeps his mind fascinated and occupied. He never gets bored (or if he does he quickly finds a way to amuse himself). It's a gift. It also drives Adam crazy because Tommy can just sit and be forever, and Adam fidgets after two minutes of doing nothing. It always makes Cam laugh, or made. They're not on tour any more. 

So far, it's been a good year. The first fifteen days of it, anyway. He's gotten used to the idea of being home. He likes playing with Monte, likes the slow feel to it, how comfortable they are together. He loves seeing his friends whenever he wants, appreciates family-gatherings, loves his own bed to death. This is his life now. And it feels great. 

Of course it's strange that he doesn't see Adam and the others every day. Of course he sometimes wakes up not knowing where he is. But it gets easier. 

Right now it's very easy because they are having a small party, just the glam family gathered in his living room, chatting and drinking. His apartment is way too small for them, but it only makes everything cozier. 

He's having a gigglefest with Sutan. They're rolling on the floor laughing, and the others don't even notice them any more. They are so used to this.

When Sutan isn't Raja he's mostly the craziest and cuddliest laid-back guys Tommy has ever met. When he is Raja she's very delicate and posh. Tommy likes the contrast, and he loves to flirt with Raja. 

But this time it's all Sutan, and it's all a riot. He can't even remember why they are laughing, but every time they look at each other they burst out laughing. His stomach is hurting, and his eyes are watering, but he can't stop. 

"I don't..." Sutan tries to say between fits of laughter. "I'm so going to dress you up one day. Properly."

"I'd let you," Tommy says, and looks Sutan in the eyes. He's grinning, but he's also telling the truth. Cross-dressing is not his thing, but he'd let Sutan do whatever he wants. 

"Ooooh... really?" 

He can't believe they haven't had this conversation before. They should have. Sutan thinks he's pretty (everyone seems to think that), and knows it wouldn't be the first time he's done something like that, but for some reason the topic has never been brought up before. 

Tommy isn't even drunk yet, just buzzing nicely. "Pinky promise," he says, and Sutan actually shrieks and grabs Tommy's wrist as though afraid he isn't serious enough about this business. 

"Pinky promise it is," Sutan says and turns to face the others sitting on Tommy's couch, bed, and chairs. "Adam, be our witness."

Adam stops talking to Cam, and looks at Sutan with curious eyes. "Witness of what?" he asks. 

Sutan huffs. "Why haven't you been listening? This is important. Glitterbaby promised to let me play dress up with him." 

The way Adam looks at Tommy makes him feel naked all of a sudden. He actually has to look if he's still wearing his t-shirt. 

"Okay," Adam says and drops on his knees on the floor. "What do I need to do?"

Sutan entwines their pinkies and tells Adam to hold his hand on top of theirs, then he says to Tommy, "Do you swear you'll let me make you look like a real woman?"

He thought they were talking about clothes only. Maybe not, then. "Okay." He tosses the word in the air like it means nothing, and both Adam and Sutan look at him, offended. 

Sutan is the one to speak, though. "Definitely not good enough. You need to swear."

Tommy bites his lip, trying to hide the smile. "I solemnly swear to let you work your magic on me. Good enough?"

He doesn't get an answer. Instead Sutan pulls them both into a crushing hug. "BFF, you two. BFF."

Tommy's face is somewhere between Sutan and Adam, and he can't really breathe, but who cares. It's warm, and he's happy. When Sutan finally pulls back Tommy inhales and says with a smile, "More beer." 

He gets up, goes to his kitchen, and takes a beer out of the fridge. He turns around to holler at the others if they want anything, but Adam is standing right there, way too close for comfort. He looks up. "What?"

"Nothing. I came to get water." He pushes Tommy gently out of the way and takes the sparkling water from the open fridge. "Thanks," Adam says, grabs a glass and leaves before Tommy can say anything. _Weird._ He's pretty sure something happened there, but he has no idea what. 

Adam hasn't been himself since the tour ended. He's not leaving sparks all over the place. He's not smiling with his eyes. He's not relaxed or happy. He was the life of every party before, and now his life is not a party any more for some reason. 

A few days ago when Tommy talked about it with Sutan, he said, "He sometimes gets agitated when things are not moving forward fast enough. He sees something and wants to go there, but for some reason can't. He wants to start recording, wants to create, wants to sing. That's what he was made for. Everything else seems trivial." That was Sutan's guess. 

Tommy thinks it's something more. 

The night is warm and full of laughter, and they are mostly just reminiscing things that happened on tour. When someone can't remember a place where something happened another person can, and the story of their tour life is born through their collective memories. They want to share these memories together because only they know how it felt. 

At some point Tommy notices that Adam is gone, and he goes look for him. He can't walk straight, and his mind has been reduced to flashing images and sounds, but he knows that shoes will tell him if Adam is still in his apartment. 

He sees Adam's boots and smiles. He wouldn't leave without telling anyone. He isn't like that, but Tommy had to be sure. There are two possibilities now: the tiny balcony or the bathroom. He knocks on the bathroom door. "Adam? You there?"

He tries to open the door, but it's locked. Tommy leans his forehead against it, trying to think. He's swaying on his feet. "Let me in."

"I'm not here. Go away."

Tommy snorts. "Don't talk to me if you're not there. I'm not drunk enough to hear voices in my head."

"I'm not in the mood."

"What's bothering you?" He's not sure if he would have asked such a direct question if he wasn't drunk. Maybe not. But it's Adam and he can, drunk or not. 

Adam laughs, the sound bitter. "Too many things. I'll survive." 

"Can I come in? Please?" Standing has become an effort, and he's now resting his cheek and whole side against the door. 

Adam opens the lock, and Tommy turns the handle. Adam is sitting on the toilet bowl, but at least he hasn't been crying. Tommy doesn't know what to do with a crying Adam. It has happened to him once and he panicked at the time. Now, he would have probably fallen into Adam's lap, sobbing his eyes out with him. Tears are evil when you're drunk. 

He pulls the door closed behind him, and locks it again, leaning against it. "Tell me," he says. 

"Nothing to tell. I'm tired."

"You've been on vacation," he points out because it seems important. He wishes he would miraculously sober up so he could actually help his friend. He has to work with what he's got, though. 

"That's why. I've had too much time to think."

For someone who talks more than anyone Tommy has ever known Adam is holding back a lot. It feels all kinds of wrong. "What have you been thinking?"

"I can't do this pretending bullshit. I can't just shut up about things. I can't fit into the box people are trying to force on me."

Tommy laughs because he's stupid that way. "Honey, you can't even fit into your own box. You never did and you never will." He knows he's picked up some of Sutan's words, but right now he doesn't care. He wants to see Adam smile. "Nobody can make you do anything. You can move to France like Johnny Depp if you want to live a peaceful and quiet life with some gorgeous guy who deserves you. You don't have to choose Hollywood."

"I have to work. I want to work." No smile, just deep sighs. It's killing Tommy. 

Tommy pushes himself off the door, and puts his hands on Adam's shoulders. "You can work anywhere. You saw it. The world loves you."

"I don't want their love." It looks like Adam wants to say something else, but he doesn't. He looks so tired, like he's been up most nights, thinking, thinking, thinking. Tommy hugs him, pulls his face against his stomach, strokes Adam's hair. Adam wraps his arms around him like he's drowning. 

They stay like that for a long while, not saying a word. It hurts Tommy, but he doesn't know how to stop it, what to say that would make things better. He knows that Adam suffers from the simplest things the most. Adam can't stand the fact that he can't talk to people any more, that he has to monitor himself at all times. And it goes against his nature more than anything. He's open to the darkest corners of his soul. 

"I'm going to cry if you don't stop," Adam says after a while. Tommy is still stroking his hair and curling it around his fingers. Tommy smiles because it's the first time he's heard that tone in Adam's voice in a long time.

"Let it all out," he says with a mock gentleness. "I'll be here to take care of you." 

Adam turns his head a little and bites Tommy's stomach, but it doesn't hurt. It's just a nip. 

"Typical. Men become violent when words abandon them." 

"Fuck you." Adam tilts his head back and looks up into Tommy's eyes. There's a _thank you_ written on his face. 

Tommy brushes Adam's hair back, and Adam closes his eyes, a peaceful expression on his face. "You know, I could get used to this: you all compliant in my arms." He immediately knows he said something wrong because Adam's body stiffens and even though he doesn't pull back Tommy still feels it, feels how withdrawn Adam becomes. He regrets the words more than anything, but he can't take them back. He waits, breathes, hopes. Adam is quiet, motionless for a little while longer, and then he relaxes. "Shut the fuck up. You're ruining the moment."

He exhales, so relieved he can do nothing but pull Adam closer. "I'm bad at this," he says, and it's so close to an apology he could have said the words and it wouldn't have been any different. 

Adam's laugh is quiet and soft. "No, you're perfect at this."

"Should we get back to the party?" Tommy asks. He doesn't want to go, but he feels like they should. 

Adam's arms tighten around him. "No. I'm... I think I've been tense for days now. You're taking it away."

The honesty and simplicity of those words affect him. He's rarely been in a position to give back any of the things Adam has given him, and if he can do it now he's more than willing to oblige. He feels deliriously happy all of a sudden. "Private party," he says and puts his chin on top of Adam's head. 

"I like that."

"Wanna sit on the floor?"

"Too tired to stand?" Adam sounds more like himself with each new word. Tommy just wants him to talk, to climb up the ladder of depressed thoughts. 

"Too drunk to stand."

Adam lets himself be pulled up and on the floor, under the showerhead where there's enough room for both of them to sit. Tommy has his back against the wall and before Adam can sit next to him, Tommy pulls him between his legs, back against his chest and stomach. 

Adam laughs. "You sure? This looks so funny."

"Nobody's looking at us, and I don't give a damn anyway. Just sit."

Adam does, resting his head on Tommy's shoulder. 

"Talk."

"Do I have to?"

Tommy just waits. 

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything."

Adam sighs. "I don't know what I want to do next. I don't know what I should do next, except the album. But I don't want all these side products, this whole idea of people worshiping me, and it's getting worse... And I have to learn to shut up about some things. And I want to go out and meet people." Adam growls. "I want to meet someone without the fear of them sharing all that to the press. I want to have casual sex. I want to go for a walk. I want." He's whining now, and Tommy loves him for it.

"What else?"

"I don't want this to change me."

Now they are getting to the root of the problem. "You've always loved change."

"Not like this. I feel heavy... I feel like it's too much. I can't take it."

Tommy wraps his arms around Adam's waist, rests his hands on Adam's stomach. "Continue."

"I try to block it. I try to concentrate on other things. I do supposedly relaxing things. I go to get massages. I sleep late. I read books. I watch movies. I see friends. I'm doing all that and nothing helps. It's suffocating. I can't smile at these people any more. I don't want anyone to want me. There's nothing I can give. I don't have anything to give. I'm empty."

Adam is breathing hard, and he's so tense Tommy can feel his own body tensing with him. People are intelligent animals, but still they are mostly just instinct and feelings. He finds Adam's hands and he pulls him even closer. "Give yourself time," he finally says. "You've been doing this for two years straight."

"I've had nothing but time, and the more time I have the worse it gets." Adam's eyes are closed, his mouth an angry, frustrated line. "I should be happy. I'm getting everything I've ever dreamed of and more. So what the fuck, Tommy? Why do I feel like shit?"

"Because you're holding on to it."

"To what?"

"You're afraid of losing your big chance so you've been driving yourself forward like crazy. And you're still doing it. You have time. You need to stop. Now." He's starting to sober up, and it's a good thing. He wants his head to be clear. 

"I don't know how." Adam sounds like every word he utters creates another fracture to the fragile hold he has of himself. He's breaking apart in Tommy's arms. "I'm so fucking tired I feel like I'm dead already." 

"Then rest now. I don't need anything from you." 

Adam is shaking, still trying to hold it together. "I'm sorry," he says, so quiet Tommy can barely hear him. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Just rest."

Adam turns sideways, hides his face into Tommy's neck, arms around Tommy. "Sorry." He repeats it over and over again like he's supposed to handle everything all the time, like he can't be weak or human. 

"It's okay," he says, repeats it every time Adam apologizes. He wants to say and do so much more, but there's not much he can do. But it's enough because after a while Adam lets out a funny sound. "I'm ruining your shirt. You shouldn't wear white."

"You can buy me a new one." He kisses the top of Adam's head. 

"Thank you." 

Tommy nods. "Friends."

"Yeah..."

Adam pulls back a little and Tommy lets him go. They're both a bit sweaty, Tommy's shirt clinging to his skin. Adam was also right; his shirt is ruined. 

They look at each other for a while, Adam's eyes red, his make up running and his hair sticking to all directions. Tommy fixes his hair a little, then wipes his eyes with his thumb. "You're presentable," he says and smiles. 

Adam looks at the floor for a second, then stands up, holding out his hand to Tommy. He takes it, and Adam pulls him up and into a hug. It's warm and soft and kind, and it hurts him a little.

Adam pushes him to an arm's length, then says, "You need to change your shirt."

Tommy looks down and agrees. The black smudges all over it aren't pretty. He pulls the shirt over his head, and searches through his laundry basket for a shirt that doesn't smell bad. 

"You're such a neat-freak," Adam says, laughing. 

"Shut up. I don't care." He finds an old Metallica t-shirt that smells okayish and puts it on. "I'm ready."

Adam opens the door, and they find Taylor standing outside the door, legs crossed. "Finally," he spits out, and pushes past them to the bathroom. 

Tommy and Adam stare at each other for a second, and then snicker like five-year-olds. 

The others are playing a board game, and Adam and Tommy just jump in. Nobody asks questions, and the night goes by in an easy atmosphere, everyone relaxed and happy, even Adam. Tommy watches him from time to time just to be sure that everything is fine, but it's clear he has no reason to worry. Adam is smiling with his eyes. He's laughing at all Monte's dry jokes. He's lying on his side on the floor, all edges gone, comfortable in his own skin again. It's okay. Everything is good. 

Why does he have an uneasy feeling, then? 

After the party it takes five days until he hears about Adam again. He's been practicing with Monte; Adam's been fixing his home... They've been busy. But somehow he feels like Adam has been avoiding him, too. He has no idea why he feels like that, though, because they don't call or send messages every day anyway. He just has this gut feeling. And it annoys him. He doesn't want to have any gut feelings about Adam. He should probably talk about it with someone else, namely Sutan. 

Adam doesn't call; he comes to see him in the middle of the night. It's Thursday. Adam knows he isn't asleep because Tommy is a vampire, but still, it's an odd hour to drop by. 

"Hi," Adam says by his door, leaning against the door frame. "Can I come in?"

Tommy lets him in, watching him carefully. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. Can't I come to see you?"

"Of course you can, but it's two am. Normal people are at home sleeping right now."

Tommy leads him into his studio apartment, cleaning a bit while he walks past stuff. He knows Adam doesn't mind, but he still feels self-conscious because he knows Adam likes cleanliness. 

"What are you doing?" Adam asks. 

"Cleaning."

"No, what were you doing before I came?"

"Watching porn, jerking off, the usual stuff."

Adam stares at him with wide eyes for a second, then laughs, his eyes closing. "Very funny."

"You're laughing. It must be funny." He throws the clothes, books and magazines behind his armchair because cleaning isn't his most charming qualities, and sits down on his bed. "I just started watching Supernatural. Some fans recommended it, and I thought I'd give it try. It's actually pretty rad."

Adam is still standing as though not quite knowing what to do with himself. "Wanna watch it with me?"

Tommy eyes him from head to toe. "What's going on, Adam?"

"I don't want to be alone. The house is big and strange. I don't know it yet." He actually shivers, like he's thinking about how he felt there before he came here. 

"Come here then." Tommy waves his hand, and Adam shakes off his jacket and toes off his shoes, and comes to sit next to Tommy. "I'm not going to start over. I've seen the first three episodes. All you need to know is that they are two brothers fighting monsters, and their dad is missing."

"Okay," Adam says, then asks, "Can we pull the blanket over us?"

Tommy agrees, and they do it, adding a few pillows behind their backs, and then they are ready to roll. 

Tommy actually loves watching things with Adam because he stays quiet and only talks during breaks. He hates people who babble over his movies and tv-shows. He wants to bite their heads off, but Adam, he respects the art, and he knows how Tommy feels about his stuff. 

They watch two episodes, Adam starting to doze off during the second one. Tommy insist on the third one, but it's probably a mistake because after a while Adam slides down on the bed, and falls asleep, curled on his side. It amuses Tommy, but it also annoys him. His bed is not that big, and at some point he has to go to sleep, too. He finishes the third one and starts the fourth, but somewhere along the way he stops watching and starts dreaming, fairytales and reality mixing in his dreamworld. 

When he wakes up there's a heavy weight on top of him, and he feels so damn hot it's like a fever. _Adam._ He's lying on his back, and Adam has him pinned to the bed, lower body between his thighs, head resting on his chest, hands under his shoulder blades. Who sleeps like that? He feels like a man-sized pillow. 

"Um..." Tommy brushes Adam's hair off his face. "Wake up. You're crushing me. Adam?"

Adam's brows furrow, but he just turns his face away from the hand and continues to sleep. 

It's too warm. His back is sweaty, his neck is itching, one leg of his pajama pants has ridden up... It's not a happy morning - or afternoon more likely. "Adam!" This time Tommy shakes him. "Wake up or I'll scream. It won't be pretty."

Adam moves but not away. He just moves, like Tommy is one of his fucks. It's so surreal he can't even speak for a second, and that's a mistake because Adam moves again, pulling Tommy down from his shoulders, nuzzling his neck. And before he knows it Adam is kissing him, still thrusting against him. He panics, aroused and breathless and scared. He gets a knee between them and he pushes, hard, and Adam falls off the bed, landing uncomfortably on the floor. "What the..." The look in Adam's eyes shifts from mad to surprised to worried in a heartbeat. "Wow... You..."

"Yeah, me." He tries not to sound angry, but he is. Anger is covering all the other emotions rampaging around his freaked mind. 

"Sorry." Adam isn't properly awake yet, but he can still see the entire picture. It's clear from the way he's looking at Tommy. "I'm... sorry."

"I know." Tommy lets himself fall back against the pillows. His heart is pounding in his chest and his throat feels tight. He pulls the leg of his pajama pants down, the movement showing just how angry he feels. His whole body is rigid, adrenaline rushing in his veins. 

Adam gets up slowly, sitting on the bed, being very careful. "Are you okay?"

"In a moment," he says, trying to push all those stupid thoughts and emotions out of his mind. He can't process any of it, and he doesn't even want to. They are friends. They are maybe very affectionate friends, but still just friends. 

"Want me to make you some tea?"

"What?"

"Tea calms you." Adam sounds desperate. 

"I don't think I have any tea." He kind of wants to laugh at that, but he's too angry to laugh. 

"I could go buy some."

Tommy shakes his head. Another surreal moment. Adam and tea. They are crazy. 

"Don't hate me." It's such a genuine outburst, Tommy grabs Adam's wrist and pulls him to his side. Adam sits next to him, not touching but close enough that Tommy can feel his body heat.

"I don't hate you. Hate has nothing to do with this. Shock is closer to the truth."

Adam looks at him with pleading eyes. "I don't usually try to molest my friends. I'm sorry."

Tommy snorts. "You've kind of done that to me a lot."

"Consent," Adam says, eyes bright and less worried. "Means the world to me."

"Yeah... don't worry. It's okay. I'm fine." He's starting to feel fine, too. "Shower would be nice, though. You made me sweaty." He gets up, and goes to find his towel and clean underwear. "Make coffee, please. I crave for coffee." He bats his eyelashes to Adam, and Adam flips him the finger. 

"I'm not your maid," Adam says, but gets up anyway and goes to the kitchen. "The tea-offer was once in a lifetime deal born from guilt," he hollers after Tommy. 

He showers quickly, shaves, brushes his teeth, and puts his clothes on, not thinking anything while doing all that. The longer it takes the harder it is for him to face Adam. He felt okay already. Why is he so skittish now? 

It takes him another five minutes to gather the courage to leave the bathroom. He feels stupid because it's his home and it's his best friend and there's just no way it can be weird. 

Except that it is. When he goes to the kitchen Adam is leaning against the counter, waiting for the coffee to be ready. The coffee mugs are in the cupboard behind him, and usually he would go get them. He wouldn't even think twice, but now... He just stands there, hands in the pockets of his jeans. 

"Things are weird, aren't they?" Adam asks, watching him. 

"Yeah..." He fidgets, shifts his feet, looks down. God, it's stupid. "Come here," he says to Adam. "Just... hug me or something."

Adam moves, takes the few steps between them, and just waits. He's as unsure as Tommy is, and it's a bad thing because now they are standing very close to each other, but nothing is happening and it causes tension and anticipation, and Tommy wants to kill the situation dead. He groans, and leans his forehead against Adam's shoulder. "We suck." 

"Yeah..."

Things _are_ weird, and he doesn't know how to change that. He's been kissing Adam for six months. Why is this somehow different? Stupid life. Stupid self. Stupid Adam for not waking up. 

Adam puts his arms around him. "Just don't... pull away. I can handle anything but that."

"I'm here, aren't I. Freaked maybe but here." He wants to say something else, but the coffee is ready, and he frees himself from Adam's hold. "Want some?" he asks, looking at Adam as he walks to the cupboard. Adam nods. 

They drink coffee in silence, leaning against opposite counters. Adam drinks his with milk; Tommy likes his coffee black. It's too hot, but he tries to drink anyway. He wants to do something, anything to take the edge away. 

"Do we have to talk about it?" Adam finally asks.

"How?"

Adam smiles. "With words."

Tommy bites his lower lip. "No. I mean: what is there to talk about? You thought I was someone else. I freaked. End of story."

"Clearly it isn't if you're still freaked."

"You're, too."

"Yeah, I'm kind of surprised how good you felt."

"Oh. My. God. We're not having this conversation." Tommy puts his coffee mug on the table so he won't drop it. "Everything... will be normal again. Just let it be."

Adam looks at him with thoughtful eyes. "If you say so."

Tommy hopes he's right because this is one of those once in a lifetime friendships he doesn't want to lose ever. "It's going to be okay."

Adam nods, and takes a sip from his coffee. He looks different somehow, dangerous, and Tommy doesn't understand why. He feels uncomfortable when Adam looks at him. That has never happened before, no matter how he has looked at him. 

How can things stop making sense just like that? 

"I have to go soon," Adam says. "Mom is coming to help me decorate."

"Okay."

He goes to the little hall with Adam, hugs him for goodbye, and when he's gone Tommy sits down and bangs his head against the door. This was so not what he needed.


	2. Chapter 2

Tommy is out with Raja, and he's not quite sure what he thinks of the place. It's a bar for transgender people, and the crowd is friendly but maybe a bit too enthusiastic for his taste. He's actually protecting Raja which is all kinds of funny because he's shorter and skinnier than her. But it's his place right now. 

They are sitting at one of the tables close to the dance floor, talking even though the music is too loud. 

"Why do you think he's avoiding you?" Raja asks, whirling her glass around and around on the table. 

"Eight days since we last talked. That's long, even for us."

Raja gives him a knowing smile. "You're counting the days. That's sweet."

Tommy sticks his tongue out, but says nothing. 

"If you do that again I'll capture your tongue." She takes a sip from her drink, looking at him over the rim of her glass. 

Tommy laughs, but then becomes serious again. "Do you have any idea what I could do for him? He's not feeling okay."

"You need to tell me first what happened between you two."

Tommy shrugs. "Nothing happened."

"You can't lie to me. You can't even lie to your own mother. You're too innocent for that." She tilts her head to the side, looks at him, long and deep. "He said he made a mistake, but didn't elaborate."

"So you have talked to him?"

"Just a phone call. Short one. He's not much of a talker at the moment."

Tommy sighs. "He didn't make a mistake. He thought I was someone else and kissed me."

Raja's smile is wicked. "That's nothing new."

"It is," Tommy says, not even trying to hide how confused he feels. "I don't know how, but it is. We're weird now."

She leans over the table, her pretty dress showing her curves. "You liked it?"

"I've always liked it," Tommy says, frowning. "It's not that." Or it's not all of it. 

Someone puts a hand on Raja's shoulder, then lets it slide down to the small of her back. "Would you like to dance?" He's tall, good-looking, someone with kind eyes. Tommy approves, and before Raja turns to look at the guy, he smiles and nods, letting her know that the guy is cool. 

She goes with him, holding on to his arm. 

He drinks his beer, waiting, thinking. He could have called Adam, too, but he didn't want to bother him. Adam is busy. Adam is a Grammy nominee. He has his new house, his charity projects, his other friends and obligations. Besides, Tommy doesn't know what to say to Adam. 

He happens to look towards the dance floor just when some other guy steps too close to Raja, and she clearly feels uncomfortable. Tommy follows the situation for a little while longer to see if he's overreacting, but it's close to a fist fight now. The guy who asked her to dance is yelling at the other guy. Tommy finishes his beer quickly, thinking how to approach the situation without anybody getting hurt.

"Excuse me," he says to the guys, taking Raja's hand. "She doesn't like violence."

Raja actually steps behind him, and that's enough to tell Tommy how uncomfortable she feels. 

"Who the fuck are you?" That's the second guy, and he's not just drunk. There's something in his blood, his pupils blown. It's a bit more dangerous than he thought. His heart is pounding in his ears, and his hands are clammy, but he stands his ground. 

"Her brother," he says, not blinking an eye. 

"You look nothing like her," the guy says. He's not wearing a shirt, and his arms are probably as wide as Tommy's thighs. In any other situation that would make him laugh. Right now, he's dead serious. 

"Different blood, same family," he says, very clearly. Everything around them seems to disappear, nothing but noise and flashing lights left. The first guy is just standing there, too stunned to do or say anything. Tommy hopes he stays that way because otherwise it will turn into a fight. 

The guy stares at him, but Tommy doesn't give in an inch. He waits, keeping all his emotions under control, staring back. Finally the guy just waves his hand and walks away, saying, "Whatever."

"Oh my god," Raja says, shaking. "He could've hurt you."

"Are you okay?" Tommy asks. 

Raja's eyes are huge. "I can't believe you just did that. Are you stupid or something? Adam would've killed me if you'd gotten hurt."

"He would've killed me if I'd let anything happen to you."

"I can take care of myself. I've been doing this for years. I would have just left. Oh my god..." She hugs him, holds him so close it's almost suffocating. "Stupid, stupid man. Don't ever do that again. Promise me."

He would do it again in a heartbeat. He's glad to realize something like that about himself. He was afraid, but it didn't stop him. "I'll always save you," he says, smiling. His hands are shaking, and he wants to get out of there, but he's also happy. Nothing happened. 

"Don't you dare. I'll tell Adam what you just did if you don't promise me now."

Tommy shrugs, pulling back. "Tell him. I don't care." He can't promise something like that, but of course he doesn't want Adam to know. He would only worry, and would probably like to have a little talk with Tommy about security, and telling the workers of the bar, and not jumping into situations like that. He knows. 

Raja finds her phone. "I'm calling him now."

"So call. I'm not promising anything."

Raja does it, her fingernails clicking against the iPhone. She waits, looking determined and a little angry. "Guess what your boy just did? I don't care if you can't talk. He almost got himself killed. He could have pummeled him to death. The guy. He was coming on to me. He was so big. Really. Velvet Moon. I'm not letting him out of my sight. Good. Bye." Raja looks at him with a smile that means victory. "He's coming here."

"What?" 

"He's leaving whatever he's doing - which sounded pretty damn important - and he's coming here. You don't do something like that. I won't let you, and he won't let you."

 _Oh shit._ "I'm leaving." Tommy steps back, but Raja grabs his shirt, the hold so tight Tommy can't shake himself free. 

"No, you're not. I'm serious. You don't do something like that. Not for me and not for anyone. It was amazingly brave of you and I adore you for it, but never ever again. Ever."

Tommy looks at her carefully, realizing how shaken she actually is by this, like she's seeing Tommy beaten up on the ground, nose broken, teeth... He strokes her cheek. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"You did. And I stepped behind you. I'm such a coward. I would have let him hurt you. I couldn't have done anything. Fucking stupid dress and stupid heals and... Just don't. Ever. Please. I can't even think..."

"Nothing happened."

"This time. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want to see you broken and bloody. I don't... No."

"I can fight, you know. I'm not _that_ weak." He's trying to be funny, but she's not laughing.

Raja hugs him again, whispers close to his ear, "One of my friends ended up in a hospital once. A guy broke his jaw. Just... please." 

Tommy hugs her back. "I'm sorry."

The bar's atmosphere changes, anticipation and questions in the air, and Tommy knows Adam is there. He was fast. 

They leave with him without saying a word, and step into his car, Tommy sitting at the front and Raja lying down on the back seat. "I'm not going there ever again," she whines. 

Adam's knuckles are white because he's holding the wheel too hard, and he's gritting his teeth, quiet in his anger. Tommy doesn't know what to do with his hands so he keeps tapping his knee and biting his nails and playing with his phone and just fidgeting like crazy. 

Adam pulls over in front of a tall building and tells them to wait for him. He's gone for twenty minutes and during that time Raja doesn't say a word to Tommy. It's eleven pm when Adam walks back to the car, his strides long and harsh. He's still angry, maybe even more so than before. 

He drops Raja home, getting out of the car to hug her tightly. They talk for a little while, saying things Tommy can't hear, but he doesn't have to. He knows what they are talking about anyway. Raja is a tattletale. 

Adam gets into the car, starts the engine again, and drives off. He hasn't even glanced at Tommy, not once.

"Are you going to say something?" Tommy finally asks because the silence is killing him. 

This time Adam looks at him, his eyes like barely contained storms. "I want to get us home safely," he says, and turns his gaze back to the road. 

Home? Which home? He's not a child. He didn't do anything wrong. Adam is not anyone to tell him how to behave. He's gathering his own storm now, the fear and rational rage he felt before fueling it to a full force. 

And he fucking guessed correctly: Adam takes them to his new place. 

The walk from the car to the front door is very short, but it feels like a life time. Adam opens the door, puts the light on to the hall, toes off his shoes and walks in, not looking back. He just expects Tommy to follow. 

It's a big house, open and still mostly empty because Adam is having the walls painted. He's taking his time with this one because he's going to stay there for a long time. 

The kitchen is ready, though, and Adam leads him there. It's modern with white doors and black granite counters. The kitchen table is made of dark wood, and it has eight high-backed chairs around it. "Sit," Adam says, and goes to the fridge to get drinks. 

Tommy sits down reluctantly, his lip curling. This is ridiculous. 

Adam hands him a bottle of water, and he takes it, twisting it open. Tommy drinks the water, and watches Adam sit down opposite him. 

"Why so serious?" he says, but regrets the words immediately. The storm in Adam's eyes intensifies, and it's clear he's barely holding it at bay. 

"You went against a guy who was high on some shit we know nothing about. Do you have any idea what people like that can do?"

Tommy fights the urge to shout. "She was in trouble. I stopped a fight."

"Good for you. What if you hadn't? What if you were now lying on a hospital bed, us around it hoping that you'll survive? What if, Tommy?"

"I did the right thing. I made a choice. If I'd waited, there would have been a fight, and she could have gotten hurt."

Adam glares at him, so angry he is practically emanating cold fury. He hits an open palm against the table, the sound making Tommy jump. "She knows how and when to run. You should, too."

"Fuck you. You weren't there. You don't know." He is shouting now, getting up. "I don't have to listen to this." 

Adam is fucking fast, gripping his wrists and crushing him against the wall, hands captured above his head, Adam's face so close he can see nothing else. "No, you do. As long as you're in my band this is the only thing I demand of you. You do not ever do this again. Either you'll have security with you or you call up someone who can take care of a situation like that. You won't put yourself at risk. Ever."

"Let me go."

"Promise me."

"Let. Me. Go."

"Tommy, I'm serious. I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want to see your face fractured, your eyes swollen shut, your lips bloody. Please."

Tommy sighs. "I'm not an idiot. I did what I did because I had to, and I would do it again to save her. But I don't want to do any of that again. If I have to, if there's no other choice, I will. I-"

Adam kisses him, and it's such a shock he kisses him back before he realizes what he's doing. He's so used to it that he just reacts the way he always does. And Adam is right there, full force, so intense Tommy can't think at all, Adam's whole body holding him against the wall. He can't breathe; he's only feeling and it's painfully simple. Adam's tongue invades his mouth, circles his own, penetrates him, and he's so lost he can do nothing, nothing at all to pull away. 

It's Adam who stops, who breathes hard against him, still close, still _crushing_ , but there's air between them, their lips not touching. He's panting, thoughts scattered and violent. He doesn't even know how to speak. 

"Sorry," Adam says, the word so not a word Tommy wonders how he even recognized it. He's thinking again, and this is not good at all. "I want you," Adam whispers against his mouth, nipping at his lips. "So fucking bad."

He's taking short shallow breaths, trying to stay on his feet. Adam's hands are still holding his against the wall, and he feels like a prey. His head is spinning. "Oh god..."

He's so out of control he can't function at all. 

"Sorry," Adam says again. He's pulled his body away from Tommy, but his forehead is resting against Tommy's. "I don't want to lose you. Don't get yourself killed." Adam is whispering now. "Do whatever you want, but don't get hurt. Just don't get hurt."

He should be angry. He should be a lot of things, but right now he's nothing. He is his heartbeat. 

"The thought of you... Don't ever let anyone hurt you. Okay?"

Tommy nods. It's the only sign he gives, but Adam reads it clearly. Adam kisses him again, softly. He can't take it at all, his lips so sensitive the lightest touch makes his blood rush. "Don't," he whispers next to Adam's mouth, swallows the air Adam is breathing out. 

"Can we fix this?" Adam asks, lips brushing against the side of Tommy's mouth. 

He doesn't know. He's completely in pieces, standing only because Adam hasn't let go of him. 

"Will you leave if I let you go?"

Will he? Probably. He nods, and Adam lets out a broken sound. "Can I keep you here?"

He tries to find some kind of an answer from his mind, but it's just too messed up. He makes a decision instead and nods.

Adam buries his face into his neck, kisses his skin, licks it, and it feels good. "I've been thinking about you every day. I can't stop thinking about you." 

Tommy turns his head to the side, giving Adam more of himself, and it scares him to death how easy it is. 

Adam bites his neck, then licks it again, long and slow. He's not breathing at all now. "Something changed. Something shifted. I've never had this with you, not like this. You've invaded my mind."

It's too much, every fucking way. 

Adam takes his earlobe into his mouth, breathes, warm, wet, so sensual there's nothing at all that has ever felt like it. 

"I want to make you desperate for it. I want to have you, all of you." Adam's words are like a drug to him. They destroy his conscious mind. 

"I can't stop you..." 

He's beyond rescue now. 

"You have to."

"Then... stop... touching... me." He has to pause between words because Adam licks him again, bites and licks and kisses, the skin under his touch becoming too sensitive. 

"You feel good." Adam's lips move over the skin behind his ear, and he moans, so turned on his vision blurs. 

"Adam?" It's a plea and a question and something else, too. He doesn't know. Nothing makes sense any more. "Just..."

Adam brings his body in contact with Tommy's again, and it's blinding. "So good," Adam whispers in his ear, breath hot. 

It is. He's floating, and it can't be real. 

Adam bites his chin, moving his hips, hard and hot and so, so there. "God. I've never seen anything so beautiful." 

Tommy parts his lips, head pushed back, eyes closed. Nothing has ever felt this good. He's not even looking for a release. He just wants it to last. Every little touch, every little movement, every brush of Adam's mouth make him feel like he's on fire. Nothing compares, nothing at all. 

"Can I have you?" 

He nods, feeling Adam's fingers curl tighter around his wrists. 

"Then come." Adam pulls away, but holds on to his hand, and that touch alone is enough to keep him connected to Adam and to that feeling. Adam takes him to the bedroom, and he follows willingly. He lets Adam pull his shirt over his head, lets him open his belt buckle and slide his hands under his jeans and pull him closer. He grabs Adam's neck, heart in his throat. 

"Want me to stop?" Adam asks close to his cheek. "Right now, I still can."

Tommy shakes his head. There's something here he wants.

"Say it. I need to hear you say it." Adam pulls him even closer, hands sneaking lower.

He doesn't know the right words. There are no words. "Don't stop."

Adam pulls back a little to look at him. "I'm shaking. That's how much you affect me."

Tommy smiles. He should've known Adam is a talker. It makes things easier. 

He takes a step forward, forcing Adam to take one step back, and he has Adam pinned against a wardrobe, his knee between Adam's thighs. "I can feel how much I affect you," he says, and kisses Adam.

And it's then that something snaps, the last barrier between them breaking, and Adam lifts him up, half-carrying and half-dragging him to the bed, Tommy's hands holding his head down, their tongues out, licking. 

Adam throws him on the bed, not too gently, that predatory look in his eyes. He's been in the receiving end of that look before, but it's never been like this, nothing's been like this. Tommy pushes against the mattress with his heels, getting himself up against the pillows, not looking away from Adam's eyes. 

Adam sits on the bed, hands moving up Tommy's thighs, slow and teasing, opening his jeans and pulling them off. 

Tommy puts his hands behind his head, boldly staring back even though he's scared shitless and so fucking aroused he's not thinking straight. Adam takes off his own shirt, and then crawls on top of Tommy on all fours, not lowering his weight, just staring down at him, hands on either side of his chest, pressing the mattress down, legs straddling Tommy's waist. 

"Have you done any of this before?" Adam asks, leaning close and licking Tommy's lips. His chin rises before he realizes it, following Adam's mouth when he pulls away. 

He's never put any labels on himself, but this is still the first time. He wishes it wasn't, wishes he could nod. He could lie, but Adam would know. "No." He's surprised how sure he sounds. 

"Do you need me to be anything?"

Tommy smiles, wicked and sensual. "No."

The look on Adam's face is so worth the confession. He has held himself back, kept himself together through anger, fear, frustration, lust... but now the mask falls. Underneath there's raw need that's more than physical. He needs someone to take him, everything of him, someone who can.

Tommy grabs a handful of Adam's hair. "I can take you," he says, clear but quiet, looking into Adam's eyes, and that something that's been missing between them returns. 

Trust, maybe. 

"Anything?" Adam bites his lower lip. 

He's asking quite a lot, but Tommy nods. 

Adam lowers his head, licks the skin around Tommy's nipple. "Can I suck you?" Adam moves on top of him, shifts his hips so they are almost touching. 

"Yes."

"Can I fuck you?" Adam licks a trail over his chest to his other nipple, and Tommy lets go of his hair and grabs the sheets instead. 

"Yes."

"Can I tie you to the bed?"

What happened to fucking vanilla? But he nods because Adam bites and licks his nipple at the same time, and his body rises to meet Adam's. 

"Can I lick you open?"

He swallows, breath catching. Adam is pulling at his strings, a fucking master of his puppet. He can't answer because Adam moves down and mouths him through his briefs. He lets out some kind of a strangled sound, Adam's hands holding him down, fingers digging into his skin. 

"Can I?"

"Anything." He breathes out the word, choking on it. God, he's not going to survive the night. 

Time seems to slow down. He's never felt this alive before, so in the moment that he sees and feels and hears more clearly than should be possible. Adam ties him down and tells him to close his eyes and feel, just feel, no thoughts, nothing. Just Adam's fingers and mouth working his body loose, sometimes gentle, sometimes rough, sometimes everything in between. 

He can't hold on to anything. And what he feels shadows everything. 

Adam sets him free at some point, unties his wrists, pulls him so close he can't feel where he ends and Adam begins. They kiss, and he breathes with Adam, same air, same sounds, same hot wet space between them. They're sitting, his legs around Adam's waist, Adam holding him down, and his back arches, neck bared, and Adam bites him. 

He's nothing but feeling after that. 

Adam is whispering in his ear, sweet words no doubt, but he can't focus enough to listen. He's lying on his side, Adam behind him, his palm stroking Tommy's arm and side lightly, so gentle it's unbearable. 

He couldn't move even if he wanted to. 

"You're beautiful," Adam says, and kisses the back of his neck, brushing his hair out of the way. 

He's trying to think, trying to come to terms with everything, but instead he's just there, partly sinking, partly flying somewhere high. What happened to him being easy? He's complicated and difficult and not at all cool. And he's panicking. 

Adam kisses his shoulder. "You okay?"

He's okay. He's so okay he's about to hyperventilate. 

Adam turns him on his back, and Tommy closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at Adam. Not yet. "Don't think now," Adam says, his breath ghosting over Tommy's face. Adam holds onto him, just holds. 

"I'm not thinking," Tommy says because he has to say something or Adam will think that it's all a big mistake. It probably is, but it's not Adam's mistake. "I'm quite capable of panicking without thinking."

Adam brushes his lips against Tommy's forehead. "Don't panic, then."

"I'm not straight," Tommy says. "I've never thought of myself as something and not the other. I just... meet people. But I haven't met any guys who... I don't know. I haven't found anyone _that_ attractive." He pauses, trying to find the right words. "You're different. So far it hasn't been an issue. Now... it apparently is."

He manages to sound far more rational than he feels, but he's sure Adam knows how messed up he is because he hasn't opened his eyes. He's not ready to face Adam. 

"I don't expect anything of you," Adam says quietly, and that's a fucking weird thing to say after mind-blowing sex. 

"You don't want anything from me?"

"Open your eyes." 

_Bossy bastard._ He looks at Adam, stares into his blue-gray-green eyes, defiant and a little angry.

"Do I look like I don't want anything from you?" Adam is leaning over him now. 

"I don't know. I can't read people."

"Yes, you can." Adam kisses his lips gently. "Didn't I tell you I can't stop thinking about you?"

He's not sure how the conversation managed to derail so badly. He's not looking for a long term relationship. He doesn't need Adam to confess his undying love. It's okay. He's just freaking out a little because of the whole first fucking experience with a guy thing. He'll get over it - once his body feels like his own again. 

"There's something here between us," Adam says. "Something good. But it can be many things. What do you want it to be?"

Questions. He has no answers. "I don't know." He likes his life, and this complicates the heck out of it. He also knows that he has closed a door inside him, and he wants to keep it closed. "Friends with benefits?"

Adam takes Tommy's lower lip between his teeth, holds it, and then kisses him properly, long and sweet and thorough. When he pulls back Tommy closes his eyes for a second and breathes in, trying to control the reactions the kiss causes. "If you want that," Adam says finally. 

He doesn't know what he wants. All kinds of things. Right now he wants Adam to kiss him again. He grasps the side of Adam's face, fingers brushing his long hair, and pulls Adam down and into another kiss. 

Adam pulls back, staring at him. "Do you want to see me exclusively?"

That makes his mind blank, and then furious. He bites Adam's shoulder, too hard, too strong, and Adam grabs his wrists and pushes him down, moves on top of him, full weight, crushing. "So you _are_ jealous?"

There's a warning in Tommy's eyes, he knows it. Adam should see it. 

Adam kisses the line between his brows, and he relaxes a little. "You know, as long as I don't have to share you with anyone it's okay."

He can do that. "Okay," Tommy says. He feels like he's been tricked, but he doesn't care. It's easier to breathe now. 

Adam smiles, and his whole face lights up, his eyes beautiful and bright. "Okay. I'm a little happy now." Adam bites his lips, clearly holding back most of what he wants to say. Tommy is glad. He can say those things later, much later. 

In the morning, Adam has him pinned to the bed again, hands under his shoulder blades, lower body between his thighs, head resting against his chest. Adam really sleeps like that. He doesn't wake him up this time. He just waits and watches, and falls in love a little.


	3. Chapter 3

They are having a dinner with friends, and Tommy has no idea how to behave because they haven't talked at all. Adam has been all over him for two days, and until now, they haven't even left the house. 

Usually when he's seeing someone (are they seeing each other?) he holds their hand or he kisses them or just acts like he knows them more intimately. Now, he's trying to figure out how he's supposed to act. Adam is laughing, smiling, being so open and honest and freaking excited. But he's like that always with friends. Tommy doesn't know if any of it is because of him. 

And Tommy, god, he has no fucking clue how all of a sudden Adam plus Tommy equals sex. This was so not supposed to happen. And he was so not supposed to fall for his gorgeous, crazy, sex-on-legs boss. 

He wants to groan. He wants to bang his head against the table. He wants to get drunk. He wants to take hold of Adam's hair, and pull him into a kiss. Right there. Right in front of everyone. Show them. Let them know. He wants. 

They are sitting opposite each other, and Adam is talking with Roxy. Taylor is trying to have some kind of a conversation with Tommy, but he can't really concentrate on listening to someone. He's not even tasting his food, and he doesn't remember what he ate for an appetizer. Duck? Maybe. 

Then, out of fucking nowhere, Adam's gaze finds him, caresses him slowly, and soon after that he feels Adam's foot between his thighs, shoe gone, soft and warm. He slides closer to the edge of his chair, closer to Adam, and the smile on Adam's face tells him how pleased he is. Tommy bites his cheeks to keep his own face expressionless, but it's not easy. He hopes the dessert won't take too long to arrive because he's rapidly growing hard, and he's so bad at hiding his feelings. 

He drinks his wine, leans his elbows against the table, and turns to face Taylor, trying to follow what he and Isaac are talking about. 

Adam isn't shy, and he's fucking skillful, moving his foot gently, just right, _like he's done this before_. Tommy spreads his legs, gives Adam more space, then glances at him. Nobody could tell what he's doing under the tablecloth. Adam is leaning back in his chair, looking like he's eaten a bit too much, but otherwise he's absolutely still, having an intelligent conversation with someone else while he's tormenting Tommy. 

It's un-fucking-believable, and so like Adam. 

Tommy wills himself to breathe, tries to smother all sounds and expressions, tries to remember where he is, but Adam is making it impossible. He hides his face into his hands, swallows, and moves a little closer. He wants to touch himself, but that would be stupid and could get him arrested. He laughs at the thought, and Adam stops stroking him, the fucking cock-tease. He looks up, and Adam locks eyes with him. _Stay quiet._

There's no way he can do this without anyone noticing anything. The underside of Adam's foot covers him, stays still, warm. He blinks twice when Adam twists his ankle a little. It feels sinfully good. But then Adam pulls away completely and leaves Tommy hot, hard and panting. The bastard. "Fuck," he mutters, and Taylor asks what's wrong. 

"Nothing, just feeling a bit funny."

Adam snorts, but makes it sound like it's part of something else, a part of what he's saying to Roxy. But Tommy knows. God, he knows. 

He concentrates on getting rid of the damn hard on so he can actually stand up when it's time to leave. 

"Need anything, Tommy?" 

Tommy looks up, realizing that people have been talking and he hasn't been listening. There's a waitress there so he guesses that Adam is asking if he wants anything more. He shakes his head, feeling a blush creep up his neck and cheeks. It's embarrassing as hell, but he can do nothing about it. One of those shyness traits. 

They leave together, all of them, Adam walking ahead, quickly passing the paparazzi and entering the car that's waiting for them. It's a rental, and they have a driver who skilfully maneuvers the car past the paparazzi. 

It's not like they're a couple to the outside world. It's possible Adam doesn't even want them to be a couple. Otherwise they would have talked. Otherwise Adam would have said something about how to behave in front of the paparazzi. And what about the fucking fans? Nobody knows about them, not even Adam's friends and they're in the same fucking car with them. Tommy breathes in and out, looks out the window, tries to feel normal and connected and like a friend should feel. 

How the fuck is fucking a part of being friends? 

He glances at Adam, and finds him staring right back at him. And whoa, there are all kinds of promises in that look. His heart is trying to escape his chest, and when the car stops, and when Adam pulls him out and says bye to his friends, his heart is in his throat all of a sudden. 

Adam's car is parked a few blocks away from the restaurant just to fool the paparazzi. They get in, and the silence kills him. It's the other night all over again, except Adam isn't angry. He's tense or intense or a fucking leashed firecracker. Tommy can feel it. 

When Adam puts his hand on Tommy's thigh Tommy nearly jumps off his skin. He manages to stay still, but Adam had to notice how he tensed under the touch. He's thinking too much. He knows it, but he can't help it. There's too much at stake, and they haven't talked. 

He wants to ask: "Are we together?" but he doesn't have enough courage. So instead he says, "Nice dinner," and the lameness of it almost brings the blush back. He's not this person. He's not. 

Adam just squeezes his thigh, a smile curling his lips, but he still doesn't say anything. 

The house is dark because they forgot to leave the porch light on. Adam fumbles with his keys, and for the first time Tommy realizes that Adam is either nervous or eager. He has no time to guess which one because once Adam has the door closed behind them, he attacks Tommy, lifting him off his feet, crushing him against the mirror door of the closet in the hall. 

He grabs the back of Adam's head, hands curling into his hair, pulling, needy. He lets out an embarrassing sound when Adam manages to get him free, manages to pull his pants down enough to grip his cock, a spit-slicked fist pumping him so hard he's not going to last more than a few minutes. One of his legs is around Adam's waist, the other one somewhere not quite touching the floor. He has no balance, nothing to keep him there but Adam's arm and his body pushing Tommy against the slippery surface of the mirror. 

Adam bites his lips, sucks his lower lip into his mouth, his hand never wavering, never stopping, and before Tommy knows it he's shaking, coating Adam's hand with his come. But it doesn't stop anything, he doesn't even get any time to recover. Adam uses his come-covered fingers to open him up, to stretch him, to fill him, and he can't think at all after that. Adam pushes inside him, slowly at first, but he's too turned on to be careful. Tommy doesn't want him to be careful. He wraps both his legs around Adam, and forces Adam closer, forces him to move, and after that they are nothing but frantic movement, fucking so hard he's not going to walk afterward. 

He feels Adam's breath next to his neck, feels Adam's arms around him, feels Adam inside him, and it's so fucking overwhelming he wants to pass out. It's never been anything like this. He has to be so fucking open all the time, so there, so not in control. With Adam, he has to feel more. It makes everything so much more real. 

Adam laughs softly. "Hi there."

And this too. So fucking sweet. So perfect. "Shower?" he suggests because he wants to get down, get his feet under him even if he can't walk on his own. 

"Sounds perfect," Adam says, all warm and lazy. "Can I carry you there?"

Tommy's heart does an odd little number, trying to make his brain shut down completely. He nods, but doesn't show his face. He's good at hiding. 

Adam moves away from the mirror door, keeping Tommy as close as possible. His legs are shaking, but he can still walk. He can't believe that he lets Adam do this. He feels so fucking embarrassed he wants to kill himself. Die, bitch, die. But instead, he kisses Adam's neck, and wraps his arms tighter around him.

"God, you're gorgeous," Adam says, and Tommy guesses he's looking at them in the mirror. He doesn't want to know. He definitely doesn't want to see. He's barely able to handle it as it is. 

Then Adam starts walking towards the bathroom, and Tommy feels stranger than ever. He's done this with a girl. That thought nearly ends him. 

In the bathroom, Adam finally puts him down, releases him, and he winces because yeah, it hurts. Not bad, not as bad as he thought it would, but it does hurt. He doesn't look at Adam, just goes to the shower. Adam follows him, kissing the back of his neck. "Tell me?" Adam says quietly. 

"Now you wanna know?" he asks, and it's an accusation even though he didn't mean it that way. 

Adam puts a hand on his waist, holds on, and the hand feels so heavy there. "I always want to know what's going on in that pretty little head of yours. Always." 

The words are all wrong, but Tommy can still hear the meaning behind them. Adam is serious, so serious in fact that he sounds nothing like he usually does. 

"Are we together?" Tommy blurts out because he has to know. 

Adam rests his chin on Tommy's shoulder, but he keeps his body further away. "I want it," he says. "You?"

Tommy places his hands against the wall, leans his head forward to get his hair completely wet, and sighs. He's never been good at this: talking about his feelings. He's good at it when it's just about friends, but when his feelings run deeper he can't follow them. "Yeah... I want it." 

"You don't sound so sure," Adam says, and Tommy feels rather than hears the uncertainty in him. 

"We talked about being exclusive friends with benefits," Tommy says, trying to figure out what it is that he wants Adam to know. "That's not enough. I can't do that. I want the whole thing or nothing at all. Not with you. I can't do that with you."

Adam turns him around, his eyes so intense Tommy can barely hold his gaze. "Tommy Joe, you mean that? After all this..." Adam gestures with his hands as though that could tell Tommy what he means by all this. It does, though, somehow. "But my life's a mess. You'll be harassed by fans and the press and people will say horrible things about you-"

Tommy kisses him to shut him up. He knows. He's dealing with it. He's sometimes slow at adjusting. He gets hurt. People get to him. But it's all worth it. Even being carried around like a girl is worth it. He can deal with that. He can't deal with not knowing if Adam wants him. He pulls back enough to look into Adam's eyes. "Are we together?" he asks one more time. "For real? Because I'm falling for you hard. Don't break my heart with bullshit. Just tell me."

"We are together," Adam says, each word so clear they finally sink in. Adam is serious with him. They are serious. "So does this mean I can hold your hand in public?" Adam asks, a crooked smile on his face. "Can I kiss you in front of the paparazzi? Can I tweet about you?"

Tommy bites his lower lip, looking up at Adam. "You can do just about anything with me," he says and means it. "Just don't mess with me. If you let me know where we are with each other I'll be fine. I'll be fine with anything, but I have to know. You need to give me that reassurance. But it's going to be enough." 

Adam kisses the tip of his nose, and he has to force himself to stay put. He promised he could take it. "So if I tell you I love you and mean it you'll be fine with anything?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"So you won't hate the stupidity of my life. You won't think that I suck because I can't spend enough time with you. You will be okay with my life." They are not questions; they are statements. Adam can see that he means it. 

Tommy nods. "If you trust me with your life I'll do the same. I won't mind. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. It won't matter one bit. Only thing that matters is you giving me the right to have you."

"Oh my god, why didn't... why did we wait for so long? We could have been doing this since... we met." Adam looks beyond happy, and Tommy is sure that this time it's all because of him. 

"Everything takes time," he says, smirking. "I'm still not ready. I'm still freaking out most seconds of my life." He laughs a little, and the sparks in Adam's eyes intensify. "I maybe don't put labels on myself, but I've lived differently quite a long while. It's pretty fucking difficult to change everything just like that. I'm doing the best I can, but you have to give me time."

Adam pulls him into a hug. "Time for what?"

"To actually be comfortable with everything that being with you brings along. I'm not yet. I'm kind of learning..."

"You're one of a kind, you know that?"

Tommy puts his arms around Adam, feels him there, close, with him. They're a couple. Adam plus Tommy doesn't equal just sex. It's much much more. It's something that could last forever if they do it right. He could live with that, and it seems Adam is right there with him. 

 

The End


End file.
